Originator

Scripts from Same Idea

Nothing here right now.
Falling Up (working title)(Chronological)
License:
Views: 34
Comments: 18
Created 3 years, 11 months ago
Edited 3 years, 6 months ago
Category: Feature Film
Page / 1

Comments
ORIGINATOR
Josh Mcmullin (Sent 3 years, 11 months ago)
So if anyone read the original draft and then read through this you will notice that it's the exact same thing EXCEPT told chronologically. I'm doing this in order to add things and then I'll re-arrange the scenes back into the same formatted style I had before. Anyways if you have some suggestions on added scenes let me know please.
Originator found this helpful.
Jeff (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
I'll start reading tomorrow or Thursday. I gotta get up early tomorrow. But I got you bro.
ORIGINATOR
Josh Mcmullin (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
dude that's cool. just remember, this is not the one where all of the timeline is messed up. That's the first draft. I put this one.... well just look at the comment I posted above.
Originator found this helpful.
Jeff (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
So. you'd rather me read the other one?
ORIGINATOR
Josh Mcmullin (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
well..... yeah please. If you could hahaha. This one is straight forward. This is their relationship in chronological order from beginning to end. The first draft or whatever you wanna call it is a little harder to get BUT it's why it's why it's unique :D

also have you added any to When The Colors Fade?
Originator found this helpful.
D. A. Washington (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
Do you want me to e-mail my review or do you want it here in public?
ORIGINATOR
Josh Mcmullin (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
seriously either way. I just wanna know what you think.
Originator found this helpful.
Ezekiel D. Kristek (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
Got your back as well, bro. On page 43, got some solid notes for you, here. I'm trying to figure out how to keep the jumps from even being potentially confusing because I really like how you jump around, it's good and I can vision it keeping any audience's attention. I just sometimes have to stop and consider where we're at as far as jumping around. I really like this, though, I've told you before it's one of my favorite pieces... oh, and i'll shoot out some title suggestions too after I finish.
ORIGINATOR
Josh Mcmullin (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
yes!!!!!!!
Originator found this helpful.
D. A. Washington (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
Okay, I just finished the first 20 pages and here's my thoughts.

Structure -

The first act, as you know, is supposed to set up a compelling story. To be fair, I read the first 20 pages twice and came away with the same impression. I'm having trouble figuring out the storyline other than the obvious, boy meets girl. The only thing we know about them at this point is that they are both college students. I think it needs a new beginning. Something that leads up to them meeting. Give us some background about them in the first 10 pages. Maybe she's mourning the death of an ex... and Jake comes along. Maybe Jake is a womanizer... or he's grieving the break-up of his last relationship... I don't know. But it feels like something is missing. I think if you give us some incite on the characters before throwing them together, it would be more structurally sound. Keep in mind, the first act introduces the characters to the audience and something happens toward the end of the first act to change things... I would put them together toward the end of the first act.

There are some format issues as well. Anytime you draw emphases to a clock it should be done as an INSERT. Example:

INSERT - CLOCK ON THE WALL STATES: "3 O'CLOCK" ... " 3:OO A.M."( if the clock is digital) That goes for any object you bring an emphasis to in your action lines. Like signs... TVs... things of that nature. I will read the next act tomorrow or later on today.

I think it has potential, Josh. So don't be discouraged... I want you and this script to succeed. So if you have any questions just ask.

Peace and Blessing...

D.A.
ORIGINATOR
Josh Mcmullin (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
Thanks alot D.A. Also I suppose you're right. If I add in more before relationship stuff, I'll be able to let you know them more and get this a little longer. So good suggestion.

Also may I ask which version you're reading? if it's this one then yeah it's bland as hell but draft 1 I think spices it up because the beginning and the ending are put together..... does that make sense?

Anyways also thanks for the clock thing. I really dunno why I put the time in there. Probably just to reference how late it is but whatev. Thanks for telling how to format that.

So again thank you so much for the incite. I'll be adding these things in for sure.
Originator found this helpful.
D. A. Washington (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
I'm reading this version.
ORIGINATOR
Josh Mcmullin (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
okay that's cool. First, I'm sure you read my note down bottom BUT you should know that this is not how I plan on it being. The first draft is what I want the layout to be like. I just put everything here like this so that I could pool some ideas and add stuff in. In the final (and if you read the first version hahaha [you totally don't have to It's just the way I want it laid out] that one as well) The first scene was they're first meeting and the next was their final fight and divorce. Then it cuts back to the scene that takes place after their initial meeting and then cuts back to the scene that takes place before the final fight and so on and so forth. Does that make sense?
Originator found this helpful.
D. A. Washington (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
I've read the other version before and honestly, I think this reads a lot better without all of the time jumps. You have to be careful with that. You can't do it too much and when you do, do it with clarity. You don't want to confuse the reader.
ORIGINATOR
Josh Mcmullin (Sent 3 years, 10 months ago)
Ahhhhh okay well continue on :D
Originator found this helpful.
Richard Anderson (Sent 3 years, 6 months ago)
Josh, This might be a bit brutal so take it in the spirit intended - constructive. You seem to be making the mistakes that I do. The start of this movie reads like you're writing television. The dialogue's realistic, the characters are good but it's just not intense enough IMO. To open with a fairly run of the mill break-up isn't powerful enough. It might be powerful if we knew the characters well and how hard they'd tried to get together or something but we don't. I know this is only a linear progression so maybe you'll change that in the future. Nevertheless having a block of dialogue that covers the ordering of food is a luxury you can't afford if you want to keep readers and viewers connected. The 'two waffles' interplay is enjoyable if it's the trading of two favourite characters. But here you have to ask yourself: What purpose does it serve? As far as getting people to read your stuff the first ten pages are crucial. You've got to give us more to hang on.
If Jake and Lauren are in the diner eyeing each other off you either need to establish the attraction quickly and move on (we get the idea pretty quickly) or have more happen - Jake falls over, knocks a drink over, stops a robbery I don't know.
As John August recently noted: You've got to burn it down.
ORIGINATOR
Josh Mcmullin (Sent 3 years, 6 months ago)
No offense taken. I agree with you. That's why it's not like this. (hope that doesn't throw you off) The way I want things to be played out are in a back and forth fashion (see the first copy of this, where the structure is all messed up.) It breaks up the tediousness of seeing these guys play around with each other until they eventually end up together. Anyways.... The waffles bit was to show Jake was being a dick for no reason. Maybe I should change that because of it not coming across like that. Also I guess it doesn't come across strong enough but in the first ten pages, Jake and Lauren both express their interests in one another. I should probably rework it though. Thanks for lighting that fire under the ass. :D
ORIGINATOR
Josh Mcmullin (Sent 3 years, 4 months ago)
Working through a couple of rewrites at the moment and noone really reads this so it won't matter BUT I was wondering if the first conversation would work better if instead of her coming to him, perhaps he starts thinking about what his mother says to him (It's in the revisions and will appear on here soon, I promise) and contemplates going to talk to her and then notices that she's crying and thus goes to comfort her sort of thing. It won't help her character I think (I want her to be almost tomboy-ish) BUT it'll help his character, especially considering where the relationship goes. Just a question.