FADE IN:

INT. Brook alley - night.

A band plays listlessly as 9 bar patrons stare at the stage.

KIX ALTMAN, the singer, is slender and tall. He takes his wardrobe tips from 1977.

DJ McCUE, the guitarist, is a corporate guy; slender as well, average height.

CARL JACK, the bass player, is a heavy guy, your average hot wings and beer type of guy.

MIKE SNODDERLY, drummer, small, a firecracker.

Together they are Starship Runner.

As the final song ends out of rhythm Carl jumps in the air, knocks over a beverage and an amplifier. As the amplifier falls a bar patron who's had a little much to drink falls off his stool.

KIX

Thank you. We're Starship Runner. We've got DJ McCue on the lead guitar. Mike Snodderly's on the drums. Carl Jack, he's on the bass and I'm Kix Altman.

Feedback emanates from the sound system. The band packs up their gear to the sound of pathetic claps. WENDY TROLLA is Kix's old lady. She is more contemporary than Kix. She's put together very well. Wendy runs up to Kix. She hugs him.

wendy

That was a great show, baby! You look so good up there! I talked to the owner, and he says that you guys can come back any Wednesday night you want!

Kix throws down a bundle of cords in anger.

KIX

I'm sick of this ! I want to play for better crowds! We're better than this place.

Carl looks at the clock.

Carl

It's 11:30 man! You said we'd be done by 10!

KIX

Yeah, so?

cARL

Yeah, so I told my old lady we'd be done at 10! She was expecting me home by 10:30!

Carl packs up the rest of his gear. He heads out the front door as the band finishes packing up their gear then goes out the back door.

exT. brook alley - night

Kix, Mike and DJ pack their cars.

KIX

You know what we need? We need a manager! Someone who's gonna book shows for us all over Tulsa. Not just these dumps we've been playing.

The BAR MANAGER storms through the back door approaching Kix.

Bar manager

Here's your money Kix! We got a good thing going here. Words gonna get around and you'll have this place packed before you know it!

The bar manager walks back into the bar.

kIX

See? This is what I mean. We keep playing these crapholes for $50 a night, we're so much better than this!

DJ

I gotta be honest, dude. I didn't sign up for this.

mike

Why don't we just fucking go on tour? Just get the hell away and start playing for people who give a shit about good music! Think about it... booze, women, rock and roll, the open road, wind in your hair, be your own boss. That's what I signed up for. Not this.

Mike slams his trunk.

int. Carl's place

Carl creeps into his house with his guitar case in hand.

He opens the door, it creeks. Carl cringes.

He continues down the hall, past various pictures of flowers into the living room/dining room. He sets his guitar case down then sighs.

As Carl stretches the guitar case falls over, slowly.

cARL

(whispers)

Nooooo.

Carl lunges for the guitar case but is too late. The case crashes toward the ground and lands with a not so thunderous thump.

A small lap dog races out of the bedroom. The dog yaps and jumps at Carl's feet.

Carl dances around the dog.

cARL

(whispers)

No, shut up! Shut up Fifi! Go back to bed!

Carl looks up. A tall, thin lady with long brown hair stands in the doorway of the bedroom. This is DIANA HAMM, Carl's girlfriend. She's in a white robe.

diANA

Do you know what time it is?

Carl kicks the dog across the room. The dog lets out a yelp.

cARL

10:30?

diANA

No. No, it's midnight Carl. Midnight.

cARL

Yeah? My watch must be slow.

Carl checks his watch.

cARL

Yep, it's slow. I gotta get it..

diANA

It's not slow. I can't have you coming in at all hours of the night. Carl, this is getting ridiculous.

cARL

Listen, this is my release! I can't just go to work, come home and go back to work the next day. I need a hobby!

diANA

Daddy offered to include you in his birdhouse making. You can do that with daddy on the weekend.

cARL

Di, whittling wood with a bunch of old dudes who smell like balls is not my idea of a good time. I'm going to bed.

diANA

Fine, go to bed.

Diana retreats to the bedroom. She slams the door.

Carl sighs. He walks to the couch, takes a leap, then lands on the couch.

The couch breaks.

Diana storms out of the bedroom.

diANA

Asshole!

She turns back to the bedroom then slams the door again.

int. rehearsal studio

The guys gather in a run down rehearsal studio. Each band members holds their instrument.

miKE

What are we working on?

kIX

Let's do Taxman. We haven't done that one in a while.

dj

That song's so boring.

kIX

So spice it up! On 4. Mikey!

Mike clicks his drum sticks 4 times. The band starts playing Taxman by the Beatles.

Mike sneaks sips of beer during the song.

Kix sings up until the chorus when a man delivering pizza comes into the room.

Carl stops playing to tend to the pizza guy. The rest of the band follows suit.

The guys each grab a slice of pizza.

cARL

The practice is going real well I think.

kIX

Yeah. It's going great! We rock tonight.

dJ

I can't wait until our next show. When is it?

kIX

Wednesday at Brook Alley again.

miKE

Can't we get other gigs? That place sucks!

kIX

This is why we need a manager. We need to broaden our horizons.

cARL

What are we doing about that?

dj

I put an ad up in the music store. We'll see if we get any hits.

miKE

I put up a craigslist ad too. The only responses I got so far is from porn sites though.

kIX

I'm setting up interviews for Sunday. I got one guy coming then.

dj

Dude, we've wasted an hour already. We only played two songs! Let's get some practice in.

The guys throw their pizza down.

mike

What do you guys wanna play now?

kIX

Carl, it's your turn.

cARL

Geez, I don't know. How about Carry On?

dj

Excellent selection!

The guys sing the beginning chorus of Carry On My Wayward Son by Kansas badly.

kIX

Dude, I go high, Carl stay low, DJ carry the middle. Try again.

The guys sing again, badly again. After the chorus Kix throws his fists into the air.

kix

Fuck it. Go!

The band continues playing the song. DJ plays the piano parts on his guitar.

int. REHEARSAL STUDIO lobby

The guys pack into a small, dark lobby. They drop their gear.

A man leans against the wall. He is tall with long hair. He wears an Iron Maiden t-shirt under a leather jacket. He isn't shy about his beer belly.

The man stares the band down.

The guys walk slowly past the man into a room to settle up.

kix (o.S.)

Hey Charlie.

The man mocks Kix.

charlie (o.S.)

Hey guys. How'd it go tonight.

cARL (o.S.)

Winners and losers. Winners and losers.

The man makes a face.

chARLIE (o.S.)

You got any gigs lined up?

DJ (o.S.)

Brook Alley, Wednesday.

The man rolls his eyes.

chARLIE (o.S.)

Again?

kIX (O.S.)

Yeah, again. It's good to get up in front of strangers. You know how it is.

The man makes the universal sign for jerk off.

chARLIE (o.S.)

Fuckin' a, man. When are you gonna play other places?

miKE (o.S.)

We're trying. We're looking for a manager. So if you know anyone.

The man perks up.

chARLIE (o.S.)

Hell yeah, man. I'll keep my ears out.

kIX (o.S.)

We're having interviews at my pad this Sunday.

chARLIE (O.S.)

Awesome dude, I'll ask around.

The guys emerge from the room. They walk slowly past the man again as he stares them down. He and Kix make eye contact. The band picks up their gear and head out the door.

int. brook ALLEY - nIGHT

Patrons line the bar sporadically, each with a beer. Nobody speaks, a tv is on above the bar. The man from the rehearsal studio leans against the wall.

Starship Runner enters the bar. Kix walks up to the bar. He flags down the bartender, COOK.

kIX

Hey, Cook. Is Darrell around?

cook

Yeah, he's in the back.

Kix knocks twice on the bar.

kIX

Thanks, man. Brews for my band.

coOK

Right on, man.

Kix walks to the end of the bar then knocks on a door. Sexual activity can be heard through the door.

kIX

Darrell?

No response.

Kix knocks harder.

kIX

(shouting)

Darrell?

No response again.

Kix pounds the door.

kiX

(shouting)

Darrell!

The door cracks open. The bar manager, DARRELL, peeks through.

kIX

We're gonna set up now.

darrell

Yeah, whatever dude. Go for it.

int. brook alley bathroom

DJ enters the bathroom. A man sits in the corner. DJ goes into the only booth. There's no door.

DJ drops his pants, turns around. The man stares at him.

As he does his business, the man continues staring at him.

DJ squints. The man issues a blank stare.

DJ picks up his pants then leaves the bathroom.

int. brook ALLEY

The band sets up on stage. DJ joins them.

dj

Creepy guy is still in the bathroom.

cARL

What the fuck is up with that guy?

Mike is setting up his cymbals.

miKE

I think he's deranged or something.

dj

Well he creeps me out, man.

Kix has his back to the crowd, facing the band.

kIX

Hey guys, see the dude out there leaning by the pool table?

The guys aren't shy about looking.

cARL

Yeah, so what? It's another degenerate.

kIX

He was at the studio earlier this week. I keep seeing him around town. It's fucking with my head.

miKE

Whatever, man. It's probably just a coincidence.

kix

Yeah, maybe. Let's get ready.

The guys all turn their back to the crowd. They take a deep breath.

mike

You guys ready?

kIX

Yeah.

cARL

Yup.

dj

Uh huh.

miKE

Me too.

kIX

To the instruments!

The band take their instruments in hand. Darrell escapes his office as he zips his fly.

He hops up on the stage to power up the p.a. system.

The speakers buzz and feedback. Cook turns up the tv.

kIX

Hey, we're Starship Runner.

The band bursts into song. Funk #49 by James Gang.

The patrons start to get into the music. Feet bob, heads nod.

The man from the rehearsal studio stares at Kix.

Kix looks at the man, back to the crowd then back to the man. It throws him off the song.

The man throws his hands up in disgust. He steps outside via the front door.

The band ends the song out of rhythm.

ext. bROOK ALLEY - night

Starship Runner gather in the alley with their gear. They pack up their respective cars.

kIX

That fucking douche bag threw me off my game tonight.

miKE

You gotta stop focusing on specific people in the crowd.

kiX

What do you know? You sit behind a big ass drum set all show!

Kix steps closer to Mike.

mikE

At least I know how to play my instrument.

Mike steps closer to Kix.

The begin slapping each other. They act much like children.

kIX

Ow!

miKE

Ow!

cARL

Knock it off guys!

dj

We're supposed to be brothers!

Kix and Mike continue fighting like children.

cARL

Guys! Come on!

The man from the rehearsal studio stands out of the shadows.

The fighting stops.

A stare down ensues between the man and the band.

kIX

Listen, we don't want any trouble. Just tell us what you want, maybe we can work something out.

The man chuckles as he walks to his van.

int. apartment livingroom - dAY

Kix, Carl, DJ, and Mike sit on a couch in Kix's dingy apartment.

kIX

So what are some of your uhh...qualifications?

man (O.S.)

Well, I've worked with many different entertainment acts all over Oklahoma and Texas. Some of my biggest clients include Cowboy Junction, Ella May, Timmy and the Anvils and the guy from Reading Rainbow.

mIKE

You've worked with Mario Cantone?

dJ

That was Steampipe Alley.

mIKE

Oh yeah.

cARL

So, what can you do for us?

maN (O.S.)

Well, with a band that does mainy other band's songs, I'm thinking festivals. Or fairs, maybe carnivals! I have many connections I can keep you busy all year round!

kIX

Thank you for your time, we'll let you know. Next please!

As we see the back of a bald man in a cheap grey suit leave, in comes a man who exudes rock and roll. The same man from the rehearsal studio and the bar enters. This is GARY MARTIN.

gary

Your show sucks. You are nothing. I'm not even sure if I can stand to be in the same room with you. But, here I am. If you want my help, I will help you. But you have to listen to my every word. You need trust me. You have to execute with precision every task I set. And then, you will be the biggest cover band in the country.

carL

The country?

gARY

Did I stutter, fatty?

kix

Hang on a minute here.

gARY

No! You hang on! You guys have been playing Brook Alley for the last 4 weeks on a Wednesday. A Wednesday! You want to get out there? Follow me and I will take you out there!

dJ

How do we know we can trust you?

Gary throws a magazine towards DJ. It hits Mike.

miKE

Come on! What the hell, man?

gARY

Shut the hell up! You will know when you can trust me when you're playing in front of sold out venues all over the country.

That's when you will know when.

Kix stands up, walks toward Gary.

kIX

Well, that sounds great. Tell you what, we'll let you know when we've made our decision.

gARY

I'm not going anywhere by myself, snowball! We've gotta get started right away! Get up! We're outta here.

Gary peels Mike off the couch. The rest of the band mates head out of the apartment.

Carl is the last to leave the apartment. He hesitates at the door.

cARL

Hold on. I can't go. I've gotta get home. My old lady made a roast.

Gary pops his head through the door.

gARY

Sounds lovely. Get in the fucking van.

int. cargo van

The band is huddled in the back of the van. They sit on milk crates as Gary drives to an undisclosed location.

mIKE

Where are you taking us?

Gary looks into a rearview mirror held up by duct tape and rubber bands.

gARY

Rule number 1. No questions. Rule number 2. I am always right. Rule number 3. Don't question my actions.

dJ

Isn't rule 3 a combination of the first 2?

gARY

Shut the hell up!

DJ falls backwards off his milk crate.

kIX

Alright, crazy man, why don't you tell us what you intend to do.

gARY

Train. You need to practice. We need to gel. We need to...rock. We're almost there. Don't start playing footsies just yet.

The van takes a sharp turn as it arrives at a warehouse.

int. warehouse

Inside is a fully equipped stage with instruments and lights. Gary sits in a directors chair.

gARY

Alright pansies. Show me what you got!

Starship Runner looks at eachother. Without a word they play "Funk 49" by James Gang. Carl's cell phone rings. He stops to answer the phone. The rest of the band stops as well.

cARL

Hello?

A female voice mumbles on the phone audible through the microphone in front of Carl.

cARL

Yeah babe.

gARY

Who is it?

cARL

Yeah, I know you made the roast.

gARY

Who is on that phone? You never stop playing! No matter what the circumstances are!

Gary walks to the stage. He stands next to Carl.

cARL

Yeah, I'll be home in a little bit.

Gary rips the phone out of Carl's hand.

cARL

Hey!

gARY

Listen here, wench! Carl is busy! Take that roast, and shove it up your ass!

The female voice mumbles in anger on the phone audible by the microphone now in front of Gary.

gARY

Well, I didn't know that ma'am. I apologize. Yes ma'am. We're at 12440 South Jackson Ave. Yes ma'am. That's in Tulsa, ma'am. Right off West 41st. West 41st St. South ma'am. Ok. I apologize again.

Gary hangs up the phone. He drops back into the directors chair.

gARY

I guess we're going to have an audience.

cARL

My old lady is going to kill me! What am I going to do? She's on her way, she's going to tell me to get in the minivan. I may not make it home alive!

mIKE

Ah man, you don't like her anyway. I say you dump the broad and start focusing on the band.

gARY

I like that idea.

kIX

You know what, we don't even know your name anyway. You look like a Bret. Is your name Bret, I hate Bret's.

gARY

No, my name's not Bret.

dJ

Is it Todd? Todd's suck too.

miKE

What about Todd Harris? He was alright.

dJ

He told me my mom smelled like alien sperm.

gARY

Sounds like my kinda guy. My name is Gary.

cARL

That was going to be my guess. Only a Gary would get me in trouble. Remember Gary Cranston?

Kix, DJ, and Mike all acknowledge.

ext. playground - day. flashback.

A young Starship Runner, about the age of 9; and another boy, GARY CRANSTON, play at a playground. There are plenty of kids and a few late teens. Carl and Gary find themselves under the mesh bridge of the playground. A TEEN GIRL, about the age of 15, stands on the bridge. Gary Cranston points up, Carl looks straight up the girl's skirt.

Teen girl

You little shit! Get over here!

Teen girl chases Carl as the pair run past a TEEN BOY.

teen boy

What's going on?

tEEN GIRL

The little shit was looking up my skirt!

Teen boy catches Carl with a clothesline then begins to pound him.

int. high school hallway - day. flashback.

Starship Runner, now about the age of 15, stand in the busy hallway with Gary Cranston.

Gary cranston

Hey stupid!

A senior football player turns around but decides to ignore the comment.

GARY CRANSTON

It's a good thing you got a game tonight. I haven't fucked your mother in a long time!

The football player turns as Gary Cranston points at Carl. The football player proceeds to rush Carl to give him a beating.

int. warehouse - DAY. present.

GARY

Enough reminiscing! Get back to work!

The band plays "Funk 49" again. This time DJ stops.

dJ

Doesn't it go, dun nun.. dun nun.. dun-un-un.. dun nun!? Or is it dun un nun nun nun eeeeh?

The band argues over the way the song should be played. Diana storms in.

DIANA

Call me a wench? Listen here Mr. Man! Who the hell do you think you are? The Scorpions called, they'd like their hair back!

Gary stands up to speak to Diana.

gARY

Hold on a sec..

diANA

Do you have a job? It's the middle of the day. Surely you must have some sort of work.

gaRY

Well actually..

Gary backs down. He cowers to Diana.

diANA

You inadequate, miserable, bring everybody else down with you, lowlife...banana head.

Carl throws his bass down, he runs toward Diana.

cARL

Honey, just calm down. No need to call each other names. This is Gary, I think he's trying to help us.

gARY

Did ya bring that roast?

Diana takes a good look at Gary as he licks his lips.

diANA

Carlton, it's time to go home. Play time is over. When will you learn that you're going nowhere in this band. You guys are terrible.

Kix, DJ and Mike all look towards the floor on stage. DJ starts quietly playing "Sunshine Of Your Love" by Cream. Carl, still on the main floor, looks towards the floor.

cARL

Yes dear.

Carl shuffles his feet toward the door. He is led by Diana.

DJ, still plays "Sunshine Of Your Love". Now Kix starts singing.

kIX

I've been waiting so long.

To be where I'm going.

Carl looks back at the band over his shoulder to see Mike jump behind the drums.

kiX

In the sunshine of your love!

Carl looks at Diana. He kisses her on the lips.

cARL

Diana, take that pot roast and shove it up your ass.

diANA

Well. I never!

gARY

Heh, heh. I knew he wasn't a puss.

By now the band plays at full volume together. Carl runs back towards the stage. He jumps for the stage, misses. Carl's gut hits stage front. Carl grimaces in pain. The rest of the guys show expressions of sympathetic pain as the song falls apart.

gARY

We've got a lot of work to do.

int. kix's apartment - evening.

Kix walks through the door to the sounds of the tv with water running and dishes clanking against each other. Kix looks at the tv. Across the screen splashes an advertisement for a "Battle of the Bands" event in a popular downtown bar, Plan B. The advertisement showcases a local band, Flashback, and their lead singer Jon King. Kix continues into the kitchen where Wendy washes dishes.

kIX

Hey babe.

Kix walks in behind Wendy, reaches his hands around Wendy's waist. He kisses her.

wENDY

Hey! How was your day?

Kix backs off. He expects an argument.

kIX

It was cool. Started out here, while you were at work, with the guys. Got kidnapped, rocked out a little bit, had a brew or 2, came home.

wENDY

Wait, kidnapped?

Wendy turns off the water, turns around to face Kix.

kIX

Well, more like man-napped. But yeah, this crazy dude came over to interview to be our manager. He totally man-napped us and took us to this warehouse where there was like cool gear and..

wENDY

Wait a minute. You stayed?

kIX

Well yeah.

wENDY

Why would you stay? Maybe he wanted to kill you guys?

kIX

He wouldn't kill us. He was wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt.

wENDY

You don't know that!

kIx

I think I saw his shirt. It was totally rock and roll. Anyway, we're playing the battle of the bands at Plan B next weekend.

wENDY

What? You guys aren't ready for that! That's a big show! What big shows have you played?

kIX

Well.

wENDY

You haven't! You guys have played nowhere! What? Well, you did play Brook Alley a few times.

kix

We could do it! We're totally capable!

wendy

I'll believe it when you play in front of more than 10 people!

kix

Whatever. I'm outta here!

Kix throws his hands up then walks out of the apartment.

wENDY

You have played in front some nice crowds too.. What? 8 drunks that I'm sure aren't familiar with the songs. I think they're clapping because the show was over! In fact, I'm sure of it!

ext. apartment buildings - evening.

Kix slams his apartment door shut. He walks with a confident strut toward his car.

kIX

(To himself)

Can't do it. Yeah right, we'll see.

A middle aged woman approaches with her son, about 6 years old. The boy has his hair parted to one side. He wears clothes that reminds one of "Leave It To Beaver".

kIX

(Getting louder)

Why can't I just express myself? Why do women always have problems with that?

As the woman walks by with child.

kIX

Why won't you let him just wear what he wants! This is not who he is! His hair looks bad! He looks like a Smothers Brother for Christ's sake! You don't want to look like that do you, boy?

The boy nods his head.

Boy

No sir, I feel kinda gay.

kIX

See! You're making him gay!

Kix tussle's the boy's hair, the mother tries to keep Kix's hands off her boy. The boy untucks his shirt.

bOY

Gee. Thanks mister!

As Kix hops into his car he shouts..

kIX

Listen to Judas Priest! Start with British Steel!

BOY (O.S.)

Sure thing, mister! Take me to Best Buy bitch!

Kix looks proud as he starts his car then pulls away.

int. cARL'S PLACE - evening.

Carl does his familiar creep into his house again. Diana meets him in the living room.

cARL

Listen, Di. I yum, I wanna apologize. I don't think we were understanding each other.

diANA

Carl. This is over. I can't do this anymore. I want you to leave. Put your key on the counter. I'll send all your stuff to your parents. I don't want you in my house anymore.

cARL

But babe.

diANA

It's the band or me, Carl. I'll give you one last shot.

cARL

That's totally bullshit! You can't make me choose between the band and you. Unfair!

diANA

Life's unfair. What's it gonna be? Me or the band?

cARL

Shit. Well, you know how to cook.

Diana stares at Carl in shock.

cARL

And uhh, I know how to play bass.

diANA

I can't believe you're actually doing pro's and con's in front of me.

cARL

And you have a house.

Diana turns away walking toward the kitchen.

Diana

I'll give you two minutes!

cARL

I've known these guys since middle school. But you can cook, very well. Shit! This is tough. Where is there paper?

Diana returns.

diANA

If you need paper to make this decision I think you should just leave.

Carl bows his head.

caRL

Where will I stay?

diANA

I don't care. Get out.

Carl picks up his head.

cARL

Can I get my bass and amp?

diANA

Get out of my fucking house you loser!

ext. warehouse - night.

Kix arrives at the warehouse. He jumps out of his car, looks around then the other band members arrive.

kIX

What are you guys doing here?

dj

Nothing better to do.

cARL

Nowhere else to go.

mIKE

I followed DJ. I always do.

kIX

Ok, that's kinda creepy.

Gary comes outside. He's shocked by the bands presence.

gARY

Hello boys. What's going on?

kIX

Got in a fight with the old lady.

cARL

I got nowhere else to go.

mIKE

I followed DJ. It's a problem and I'm going to get it checked out.

dJ

Thanks.

gARY

Well, I was about to go to Plan B.

starship runner

Ok.

int. plan b. night.

A band is playing classic rock music as the guys walk in. FLASHBACK is on. They're the city's most popular cover band.

mIKE

This is awesome! Look at that stage! The chicks! Booze everywhere! Not just beer, the good stuff! I bet the stalls in the bathroom have doors!

dJ

Yeah, you won't have to take a dump with that creepy guy staring at you like at Brook Alley.

The guys arrive at their seats.

dJ

Who's playing tonight?

gARY

Flashback.

cARL

Wow, they're good!

gARY

Study them! They're not the best in the country, but they're best around here. They're your competition.

A young, pretty WAITRESS approaches the table.

waitress 1

Can I get you cuties a drink?

dj

Jack and coke. Double.

cARL

Just a Bud.

kIX

Long Island Iced Tea.

gARY

Club soda with a slice of lime, please.

Gary gives the waitress a slimy smile with a wink. The waitress snarls, moves on to Mike.

miKE

Cosmo. Extra fruity.

Waitress 1 leaves.

kIX

Competition? They're more like our brothers. Brothers in rock.

gARY

No! No more nice guys! Nice guys get Wednesday night gigs at Brook Alley. You need to be mean, you need to be gruff.

mIKE

Gruff? Like the crime dog?

dJ

That's McGruff.

mIKE

He's the Irish version.

gARY

Basically, you need to be assholes.

cARL

Man, these guys are tight!

kIX

We can do this.

The waitress brings their drinks back. She sets them on the table.

waITRESS 1

That's $32.

kIX

Tab me. This one's on me.

waITRESS 1

If you wanted a tab, you should have told me before I put in the order. Now I gotta go back and fix it.

kIX

Here, don't worry about it.

Kix throws $40 in varying bills on the waitresses tray.

wAITRESS 1

Asshole.

Kix looks excited.

kIx

See? I'm an asshole already! I didn't even apologize!

gARY

Yeah, yeah, you're really a douchebag. Look at them. They are in complete control. They own that stage.

The group looks at the stage and watches Flashback perform "Whole Lotta Rosie" by AC/DC with excellence.

mIKE

I want to kiss them.

The guys turn towards Mike.

mIKE

I mean, I want.. them.. to kiss... our...butts. Kiss our butts, Flashback!

gARY

I bet you do.

dJ

Toast to that!

The guys lift their drinks, take a sip. Kix drinks down the whole glass. He slams the empty glass on the table.

kIX

Butt kissers.

gARY

How many times a week do you guys practice?

CARL

Once, maybe twice. I can't really do anymore than that.

gARY

Not anymore. You will practice 4 to 5 times a week. You will find a way to do it. Not less than 2 hours per session. We've gotta put a dress on this pig. We only have 10 days until the Battle Of The Bands.

cARL

But.

gARY

No but's! What's under your dick?

dJ

This is no time for riddles.

gARY

It's your balls. But Carl doesn't have any. He gave them to his old lady. Get them back before she gets rid of them.

miKE

Why would she get rid of them?

gARY

Well, Carl won't be needing them anymore. Why would she carry around Carl's balls?

kIX

I carry around my balls all the time. Well, except for when the old lady's got them in her mouth. Up top!

Kix throws his hand up for a high five but only receives blank stares.

cARL

Diana and I are finished. She kicked me out, for good I think. And, I have balls, I have 3.

gARY

You should get that checked out. But since you have more balls, literally, than the average guy you should be telling her what to do! She shouldn't be kicking you out of her house! You need to do the kicking!

miKE

Take your balls back, put 'em in your sack, and take them to a new apartment.

kIX

Anyway, enough about Carl's balls. We're playing the battle? Are we ready? Wendy and I just had a fight with the old lady about that tonight.

gARY

No, you're not ready.

kIX

Shit.

gARY

You will be.

mIKE

Gotta get going. I gotta be up by 5 for work.

kIX

Yeah, I guess I should get home and make up with the lady.

gARY

Yeah. Get home, get rest. Tomorrow we begin! Meet me at the warehouse 7 pm. Be prepared to stay until 11. At least..

DJ motions for the waitress. The waitress comes up to the table.

waITRESS 1

What can I do for you, sugar?

DJ holds up his drink.

dJ

Can you bag this up?

The guys rise from their seats. They take another look at Flashback. The waitress returns with a dripping paper bag.

dj

Thanks.

The waitress stands by.

DJ

Oh!

DJ throws $2 down on the table.

dj

That's for you, shug.

The waitress lets out a big sigh. She picks up the money as the guys leave.

ext. Plan b. NIGHt.

The guys stand around Kix's car.

dJ

See you later guys.

miKE

Yeah, see you later.

As Mike and DJ walk away Mike takes DJ's hand.

miKE

Hey, DJ, where are you going to sleep tonight?

dJ

At home, Mike. Stop holding my hand.

Kix looks puzzled then shrugs it off.

kIX

It's gonna be awesome man!

gARY

(laughs)

It's work, but it'll pay off. You guys still suck. Just trust me and it'll all work out. How long has Mike been playing for the other team?

kIX

What do you mean? He's always been our drummer. There's a band called The Other Team? That's a bad name.

cARL

Hey Gary, about tomorrow. I'm not sure if I can make 7.

gARY

Why?

cARL

I don't know if I can just let her go like that. I feel like I should fight to stay with her.

kix

That means giving up the band dude. That's fucked up. I thought we were more than that.

cARL

Yeah, but you see. She cooks a kick ass meal.

kIX

Would you forget your stomach for once! Don't forget about the big picture!

cARL

What big picture? The one where we play dumps around town like we have been for 3 years?

gARY

That's about to change. You don't want a wench, you want a groupie.

cARL

But guys, she has a vagina! I can't just leave it behind!

gARY

If you go back, you might as well have a vagina. You make me sick!

cARL

Well, I have to go home. I'm gonna see Diana. We're going to make up.

gARY

What about your balls?

kIX

Don't go back! She's totally a dictator. You don't need her man. You can do better.

cARL

Things are going to be different. I'm going to ask her for my balls back. Anyway, she can really cook.

gARY

First of all, don't ask for your balls back. Take the balls back!

kIX

What you need is a woman who gives good head. Can she do that?

cARL

Well, no. I don't know. She might, umm. I think so?

gARY

You don't know?

cARL

Well, yeah? I do. But, she doesn't.

kIX

Carl, stop. She's never done that. It's cool.

cARL

Yeah but you should try her green bean casserole.

gARY

Why don't you put that casserole on your cock.

kIX

I'm not even sure what that means, I'm going home. You coming Carl? You can crash on my couch.

cARL

Yeah, alright.

i/E. kix's car - night

Carl is sobbing on the passenger seat. He hugs the back of the seat.

kIX

Gary's right. You don't have balls.

cARL

But I love her, man! I can't just go back to being single! We completed each other's sentences! We like the same things! We were happy!

kIX

What!? You guys were miserable! You can't stand each other. You don't finish your sentences. She interrupts you and you just back down like a bitch. A little bitch! And right now I loathe you. You weren't happy, you were a pussy. Pussy.

carL

You don't get it man. You just don't get it.

kIX

You need to be a man. Forget her. Sleep it off. You'll feel better tomorrow.

int. kix'S APARTMENT - mORNING

Wendy wakes up alone in her bed. The shower is running. She rubs her eyes, glances at the clock. She realizes she is late.

wENDY

Babe, you almost done in there? Babe? I gotta get in there! Don't tell me you're not talking to me!

Wendy jumps out of bed then walks into the bathroom. The steam from the shower frosts everything glass in the bathroom.

wENDY

You've really got some nerve. After what we did last night, you should be thanking me! It's not like you to hold a grudge. Are you going to say...

Wendy rips the shower curtain open to reveal Carl behind with his hands in his soapy hair.

weNDY

anything?... Carl?

cARL

Hey, Wendy! Umm. Good morning! Kix went out for donuts.

wENDY

Umm.

Carl looks down and covers himself. He slams the curtain shut.

cARL

I'll be out in a minute!

wENDY

Yeah, ok, I'll get us some coffee!

Wendy gets dressed for work, goes to the kitchen to make coffee. She sets a few cups on the counter. Kix comes home with a box of donuts.

kIX

Hey babe.

Kix walks up to Wendy. He gives her a kiss. Wendy heads to the kitchen table and takes a seat.

wENDY

Hey, why didn't you tell me that Carl spent the night?

Kix puts the donuts down on the counter.

kIX

Don't know. Didn't think it was a big deal. It's Carl.

wENDY

Yeah, it is Carl. I like Carl, don't get me wrong.

Carl walks into the kitchen with a towel wrapped around his head. The same clothes from the night before stick to his body. Carl eyes Kix. He grabs a cup.

cARL

Hey man, you get my donuts.

kIX

Yeah dude. They were out of strawberry though.

Carl fills up his cup and the cup next to his.

cARL

That's too bad. They have any twisty goo's?

kIX

Yeah man, I doubled up!

cARL

Sweet! You guys got any milk?

Carl opens the refridgerator door.

kIX

Yeah man, in the door.

Wendy looks at the guys in disbelief.

cARL

Aw man, you guys drink 2%?

kIX

Yeah, can you make me a cup too?

Carl puts together a cup of coffee for himself and for Kix. He walks across the kitchen. He hands Kix his coffee.

cARL

Cheers, mate.

Kix and Carl take a sip of hot coffee.

wENDY

I saw Carl's penis.

Kix and Carl both spit out their coffee. Carl's towel falls off his head.

kIX

What? What's going on?

cARL

I was in the shower, man. She thought I was you.

wENDY

It wasn't bad. I'll bet the hot water added to the impressiveness.

cARL

It's the third ball.

The phone rings from the livingroom.

cARL

You know you loved it.

Wendy nods in approval, then rolls her eyes.

kIX

You guys are too much, man.

Kix leaves the kitchen to answer the phone.

kIX (o.s.)

Hello?

cARL

So what are you up to today?

wENDY

Work.

cARL

Yeah, I got work too. I think I'm gonna call out though.

wENDY

What about Diana?

cARL

She stole my balls.

wENDY

No she didn't, I saw all 3.

kix (o.S.)

Alright, bye.

Kix comes back into the room.

kIX

I just got called into work.

cARL

What am I supposed to do?

kIX

Go to work. We'll meet up at 7 tonight man. Bring pizza.

wENDY

Well I'm off.

Wendy walks across the kitchen into the doorway. She gives Kix a kiss. Kix holds onto her arm.

wENDY

Have a good day my knight.

kIX

I have a bigger penis right?

wENDY

Eh. I gotta run!

Wendy leaves the apartment. Kix looks at Carl as he points out the doorway.

kIX

Dude!

cARL

I can't help it. Chicks dig the extra ball.

kIX

Alright man, I gotta get ready for work. You going to work?

cARL

Yeah. Oh shit. I don't have any clothes!

kIX

I got you covered.

Kix walks into his bedroom.

kIX (o.S.)

How you feeling, dude?

cARL

Alright I guess. It's a little surreal.

kIX (O.S.)

You're not going back to her are you?

cARL

I don't think so. I'm feeling better today than last night.

kIX (o.S.)

I can't find any clothes!

cARL

Dude, you're like half my size! I'm not going to fit into your stuff!

kIX (o.S.)

Wait! Here it is!

Kix returns with a pair of plaid pants and a yellow polo shirt with some argyle dress socks.

kIX

This was my dad's old golf outfit.

cARL

Your dad wore dress socks golfing?

kIX

Well yeah, it's a gentleman's game. Anyway, they should fit. You want?

cARL

Let me try 'em on.

Carl grabs the clothes out of Kix's hand. He goes into the bathroom to change.

kIX

Dude, I'll be changing in my room.

Kix goes into the bedroom to change. Carl comes out of the bathroom with the pants and an undershirt on. Carl finishes getting dressed in the livingroom.

Kix comes out of his bedroom dressed as normal. Rolling Stones t-shirt under a denim jacket with jeans.

cARL

This is fucking ridiculous.

kIX

Well, I'm outta here. I'll see you tonight.

Kix heads toward the door.

cARL

Yeah, I bet I'll fit right in at the club!

Carl sits on the couch. The pants split.

cARL

Shit.

int. dj's apartment - dAY

DJ wakes up alone in a nice apartment. He rubs his eyes then looks at the clock. He lets out a big sigh.

DJ rolls over where Mike sits in a kitchen chair beside his bed. Mike is wearing a white tee shirt and jeans. DJ is alarmed.

DJ

What the fuck? Mike! How did you get in here!?

DJ covers up his legs in a hurry.

miKE

You left the door open dude.

dJ

Why are you in my room?

miKE

Where else would I be?

dj

At home. This is creepy.

miKE

You want coffee?

dj

Yeah, go make some coffee for us.

Mike leaves the room. DJ gets up still in his boxers and a tee shirt. He makes his way into the kitchen.

Mike is in the galley style kitchen pouring coffee.

miKE

You want pancakes?

DJ sits on a stool at the bar.

dj

You made pancakes? When?

miKE

At four.

dj

Four? In the morning?

miKE

Yeah. You want some?

DJ shrugs.

dj

Yeah, I guess. Hey, this isn't weird is it?

miKE

Why is this weird? One man making another man pancakes?

dj

Both in their underwear?

Mike walks around the counter revealing his pantsless status.

dj

Where did your pants go?

miKE

What do you mean?

dj

They were just on.

miKE

I always cook in my undies, man. You know that.

dj

How would I know that?

miKE

I don't know. I've lost the point of this conversation.

dj

The point is, that I'm really creeped out by you cooking me pancakes and coffee in my house, uninvited in your tighty whiteys.

miKE

Would it feel better if you put pants on?

dj

I would feel better if you put pants on.

miKE

Well, that'll have to wait until I finish cooking.

Mike delivers DJ a cup of coffee.

DJ takes a sip.

miKE

So what's on the agenda today?

dj

Work I guess. Then we gotta go to rehearsal at 7.

miKE

Wanna rent a movie? Maybe snuggle a bit?

dj

What the hell is your problem? Stop talking like that, it's really uncomfortable. Why don't you go get a dude if you wanna snuggle?

miKE

What? I'm not gay!

dj

Yeah, then why are you in my apartment? Asking me to snuggle? Holding my hand?

Mike's dejected.

miKE

That makes me gay!?

dj

Well..

miKE

What if I'm just really glad we're friends! I love the ladies, man. You gotta know that!

dj

Dude, dudes holding hands just isn't cool! It breaks every rule between buds!

miKE

That's what my dad did with his best friend, Rocky.

dj

Hmm. What's his situation now?

miKE

Well, he and Rocky live together in Wichita.

dj

For how long?

miKE

Since I was like, 14. Oh wait a minute.

Mike ponders. His face sours. He shivers.

miKE

Daddy and Rocky! Oh no!

dj

Need a drink?

miKE

No wonder they smell like the same cologne!

int. Riverside chevrolet service center - DAY

Kix comes out of the employee bathroom dressed in his mechanic's uniform. He walks over to the service advisors desk to pick up a folder with repair orders for the next car.

BILL NILSON, the manager of the service center, is standing at the desk.

bill

Thanks again for coming in today Kix.

kIX

No problem. It's cool.

biLL

I never understood why you wait until you get to work to get changed. Why is that?

kIX

Hell, I like being a mechanic. I don't like looking like a mechanic. It's just not cool. It makes me feel like I feel during that song.

Kix sings the chorus to "The Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics.

biLL

That's Mike and the Mechanics.

kIX

How ironic. Don't you think?

biLL

Not really. How's the music thing going?

kIX

Well, we hit a wall there for a while. Things are picking up though recently. Well. As of yesterday.

biLL

Yeah.

Bill glances at the folder Kix holds.

biLL

Hey, we promised this customer the car would be done two days ago.

kIX

I'm on it! I'm just gonna grab a cup of joe and a muffin.

biLL

Ok, he's not going anywhere.

Kix walks into the customer lounge. A large man, MR. WESTHOFF, wears a short sleeve dress shirt with tie. He looks like his head is about to pop off. He waits by the muffins looking quite impatient.

kIX

Hey dude, muffins any good today?

mr. westhoff

They're fine.

Mr. Westhoff notices that Kix has his folder.

mr. WESTHOFF

Hey, you've got my folder. Is my car done yet? I've gotta get to work.

Kix looks down at his folder.

kIX

Oh, no. I haven't started yet.

mr. WESTHOFF

Unbelievable! I've been here for two days! I was told it would take a few hours! What the hell?

kIX

Take it easy man. It shouldn't be that long.

Kix opens the folder. He reads aloud.

kIX

Replace steering column. Hah, well it's only about 23 parts. I'm sure we have them all in. Should be done in a jiff.

Mr. Westhoff appears to have blown an artery in anger. He sits back in his chair. He picks up a brochure about the service center.

mr. WESTHOFF

Do you have a phone I can use? I need to call my boss.

kIX

Yeah, right up on the wall over there.

Kix leaves the customer lounge with his coffee and 2 muffins then continues to the service bays.

int. riverside chevy auto garage - dAY

Kix approaches Mr. Westhoff's car, sets his coffee down, takes a bite of muffin. REY STARKEY, a short, heavy set, middle aged man walks over to Kix from his bay.

rey

What's up douche?

kIX

Hey Rey-man, what's going on?

rEY

Not much, I hear you got the battle of the bands in two weeks.

Kix opens the drivers side door. He works on the steering column.

kIX

Yeah, I'm gonna register us today. I'm supposed to ask for some guy named Bart. You gonna be at the show?

Rey opens up the bottom of his shirt to show his belly. He scratches.

rEY

I don't know. It depends on how many ladies I got to bang that night.

kIX

I'm sure they're lining up. Bring 'em. All the area's best bands'll be there.

Kix takes the steering wheel. He throws it on the floor outside the car.

kIX

I got a good feeling about next week. I'm telling you Rey-man, pretty soon I won't be working for this shithole anymore.

rEY

Yeah, Mr. Big shot. You'll be playing Madison's Square Garden before you know it. Say hi to Mr. Madison for me, will you?

Kix stops.

kIX

Yeah.

int. plan b - later

A man sits at an empty bar with the bartender setting up his bar to open for business. The man is the booking manager for Plan B, BART.

Kix enters the establishment. He walks over the the pair of men.

kix

Hey guys, I'm the lead singer for a band. I'd like to sign us up for the battle next week. I need to talk to Bart.

bart

Yeah, what's the band name?

kix

Bart?

barT

Your band's name is Bart?

kIX

No, you're Bart?

bART

Yeah, I'm Bart. Why'd you name your band Bart? Surely, there's gotta be better names.

kix

No, dude. The band name is Starship Runner.

barT

You should have stuck with Bart. We got 12 so far with your band. Be here at least an hour before show time to get your slot from the general manager, Vic.

kIX

Alright, thanks.

Kix turns around. He starts to walk away.

bart

And bring your gear.

Kix turns back.

kIX

Thanks.

Kix turns and walks away again.

bart

And we'll have people to set up..

Kix turns back again.

bart (conT'D)

..your equipment so don't worry about bringing a crew if you have one.

kix

Thanks again.

Kix treks toward the door.

bart

Vic is a big dude. Got a British accent.

Kix turns around for the last time.

kix

Is that all?

bart

Yeah, that's it. Oh wait! We're gonna have pseudo celebrity judges. So don't get starstruck!

kix

Thanks. Seeya!

EXT. WAREHOUSE - DUSK

Gary stands outside the warehouse holding an apple, waiting for the band as 6:54 passes on his watch. The first to arrive is DJ followed by Mike.

gARY

Congratulations. You are the first to arrive.

dJ

Yeah man. No problem. I'm going inside.

gARY

Make sure you're tuned. I want to start right away.

DJ goes into the warehouse.

miKE

I'm gonna head in too.

gARY

Why don't you stick around outside. I want to talk to you about something.

miKE

Umm. Yeah ok. What's up?

Gary takes a bite of his apple.

gARY

How long have you been gay?

miKE

What? What are you talking about?

gARY

Stop kidding yourself. Come to grips with who you are. We won't succeed until you do.

miKE

I'm not. What because I'm, I'm fixated on DJ? Now I'm gay?

Gary takes another bite.

gARY

Yeah. Tell me this, Mary. Do you dream about him.

miKE

Psshh. No. Well, not all the time. C'mon, you can't tell me that you don't dream about dudes.

gARY

Not naked dreams.

Carl arrives. He runs around to the passenger seat. He pulls 2 pizzas out of the car.

cARL

Hey! I got dinner! One's plain and one's got sausage!

miKE

Ooohhh! I love sausage!

Kix screeches around the corner. He speeds into the warehouse parking lot where he sideswipes a light post. He hits the curb in front of the warehouse. Kix hops out of his car.

kIX

Damn, I love this car!

gARY

It's a piece of shit. You're 3 minutes late. Let's get inside.

int. wAREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

DJ's on the stage, he's just finished tuning his guitar. Mike jumps on the stagefront.

miKE

I'm so ready for this.

Mike points to the drum set.

miKE

Are you ready? You better be! When I'm through with you, you're going to be a beaten, battered instrument.

Gary takes his spot in his chair.

gARY

Enough! Let's get to work! Start with boys are back.

Starship Runner plays "The Boys Are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy. The band is very active except for DJ who stands like a statue.

gaRY

DJ! You're having fun!

DJ nods and smiles.

gaRY

Move dammit! You look like you gotta take a shit!

DJ moves side to side.

gARY

Whoa! Stop! Stop!

The band stops except for Mike.

GARY

Someone hit him!

Carl thows a guitar tuner at Mike. He then stops.

miKE

What's going on?

gARY

DJ has to take a dump.

dJ

No I don't.

gARY

Move around! Have fun! Get into the music!

Gary dances. Looks more like twitching and jiggling.

dJ

Ok. Ok! I get it! Stop.

Starship Runner laughs.

dj

Stop!

Gary stops.

gARY

Start moving. Get the confidence to showcase your goods. The girls will love it.

miKE

That's what I'm talking about!

Gary glares at Mike.

GARY

How was your sausage? Let's get back to work.

The band picks up "The Boys Are Back In Town" again. DJ dances. Kix twirls around the microphone by the cord attempting to catch it but drops it.

gARY

Kix! It's a microphone! It's not a baton!

Kix looks at Gary. He gets back into the song then dances.

gARY

Better! Bring it home now!

Starship Runner plays the solo then Kix hops back in with vocals. Then the song ends sloppy.

gARY

Ok, not bad. Work on the end. Listen to me. The drummer is the quarterback. If you're not sure, look at Mike. And Mike.

miKE

Yeah?

gARY

Don't get all googly eyed because some men are looking at you.

Mike throws up his hand.

miKE

Whatever.

MONTAGE OF BAND REHEARSAL

The band plays. Mike plays with one hand while he reaches for a beer.

gARY

(Bullhorn)

No! No beer!

Mike sits up straight in his drum throne. He plays correctly again.

CUT TO:

Carl holds the neck of his bass up to his face then mock licks the tuners. Gary looks disgusted.

gARY

(Bullhorn)

Carl! That's just disgusting!

Carl puts his bass back to the right position and dances.

CUT TO:

Kix puts his arm on DJ's shoulder, distracting DJ. Both DJ and Kix jump at DJ's reaction. Gary puts his hands over his face.

CUT TO:

Starship Runner plays "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who. The song ends right on. Gary applauds.

gARY

We've made good progress this week. We're not quite there yet. We'll practice again Wednesday. Thursday, we research our competition.

Kix jumps as he hoots in response to Gary's approval. Carl shakes his fist in celebration. DJ claps his hands. Mike walks out from behind the drums and grabs DJ's ass.

dJ

Dude! I'm getting sick of this! It's been running for 12 years now!

miKE

It's funny!

Mike grabs DJ's nipple, making a kissing sound.

gARY

Enough, pansy! Stay focused! Ten more days until the battle of the bands. Cola Overdose and Flashback both play Brook Alley Thursday. Day off tomorrow, but Wednesday we're back at it! Be here at 7!

int. office - day

DJ is on the phone at his desk at RDB Group Advertising. A woman, NICKI, sits on his desk. She is known as the "office hottie". Tall, brown hair, tanned skin even in the winter.

nicki

Hey, DJ.

dj

(nervous)

Hey, hey Nicole.

nICKI

Call me Nicki. I've told you that before. Remember?

dj

Yeah, uhh, I remember. Sorry.

nickI

So, we don't talk much. What's new?

dj

Uhh. I'm in a band.

Nicki lights up like a Christmas tree.

nicki

Really? What kind of music?

dj

You know. Rock and roll. Classic rock stuff. Some newer stuff too. Mostly classic rock.

niCKI

I love classic rock!

dj

Really?

nicki

Yeah! I mean, The Who, Jethro Tull, Pink Floyd, Rolling Stones. It's all great stuff! I even like Steve Miller and James Gang!

dj

That's awesome! We're playing the battle of the bands coming up.

nicki

Get the fuck outta here!

dj

Really.

nicki

That's so sexy.

dj

Really?

Nicki picks up a stapler. She caresses it.

niCKI

Yeah, what are you doing tonight?

dj

I was gonna hang with a bud and his old lady. Why?

nicki

Oh. Nevermind.

dj

Well wait. You wanna come with us? We'll probably just end up at a bar or something.

niCKI

Really?

dj

Yeah. I mean it's nothing special. But if you're not doing anything.

nicki

That sounds awesome! Pick me up around 8?

dj

Deal.

Nicki writes her address on a piece of paper.

nicki

It's a date!

DJ sits back in his chair attempting to look cool as Nicki leaves.

When she splits, DJ takes a deep breath. He turns around frantically then makes a call.

dj

(whispering)

Kix! What's up dude?

kIX (v.O.)

(on phone)

What's up dude? I'm at work.

dj

(whispering)

I got a date with Nicki.

DJ cups his hand over the receiver.

kIX (V.O.)

Awesome! Who's that?

dj

(whispering)

The hottie! You know.

kix (v.O.)

I can't hear you. Why are you whispering? Are you a hostage?

DJ turns his back against the rest of the office.

dj

(whispering)

No! I got a date with the hottie.

kix (v.O.)

A hot plate? What? Dude, do I need to call the police?

dj

(getting louder)

I got a date with the hottie.

kix (v.O.)

What about karate?

DJ holds the receiver at arms length. The receiver faces him.

dj

(yelling)

I got a date with the hottie!

The office stops. Nicki looks toward DJ.

DJ waves and sinks into his desk.

____________________________________________________________

int. brook ALLEY - NIGHT

Brook Alley is packed with patrons. They wait for Flashback to take the stage. Starship Runner and Gary sit at a rickety table just off center from the stage.

kIX

What's going to happen at the battle?

gARY

Arrive at 10 am. Vic at Plan B will give out the slots around 11. When it's our turn, we rock.

dJ

That's it?

Gary glares at DJ.

gARY

Yeah. That's it.

cARL

How do you win?

gARY

There'll be three judges, music columnist George Carter, local promoter Jillian Peterson and Zac Hanson.

miKE

Becker, Three men and a baby, Cheers, Zac Hanson?

dJ

That's Ted Danson.

miKE

You sure?

gARY

Zac Hanson was the cutie pie from the band Hanson in the 90's, you idiot!

dJ

Yeah, right up your alley.

cARL

What does Zac Hanson know about music?

kIX

Absolutely nothing.

miKE

What about our gear?

gARY

It's already packed. It'll be there. Don't worry. Tonight's for relaxing.

Flashback walks on stage to hoots, hollers and applause. JON KING is the lead singer. He throws the guitar strap over his head, walks over the microphone. He raises his fists.

jon

Hello Brook Alley! We're Flashback!

Flashback jumps into the first song "I Wanna Be Sedated" by The Ramones. The crowd sings along.

cARL

(singing)

Just get me to the airport put me on a plane. Hurry, hurry, hurry...

Gary nudges Carl's arm. Carl stops then glares at the band as they continue the song. A middle aged WAITRESS with a deep, rough voice comes to the table.

waiTRESS 2

What do you want to drink?

dJ

Jack and Coke.

waITRESS 2

We only got beer or soda.

dJ

Jack and Coke. Hold the Jack.

waitRESS 2

Cute. What about you?

gARY

Club soda and lemon.

Gary smiles and winks at the waitress. The waitress winks. She shows a toothless grin. Gary snarls.

kIX

Miller Lite.

cARL

Bud draft.

miKE

Do you have decaf coffee?

waITRESS 2

Does it look like we have coffee? You think this is Starbucks? We don't have triple lateechino's with mocha twists. We got beer, we got soda, and we got brown water. Pick one!

miKE

I'll take a Coke, geez.

gARY

This place is a real shithole.

int. brOOK ALLEY - LATER

Flashback finishes a blistering set to cheers and applause. Flashback holds out a single chord.

jON

Thank you Brook Alley! Don't forget, battle of the bands tomorrow! You've just had a Flashback! Goodnight!

Flashback ends the song. The house lights come up. Roadies packs up the gear as Flashback walk through a sea of fans.

kIX

Good set guys.

jON

I know. We fucking rocked it. You posers playing the battle tomorrow?

kIX

Yeah, we'll be there.

jON

Don't bother. Unless you want to be laughed off the stage.

miKE

I'll fucking cut your balls off!

Mike is held back by Carl and DJ.

kIX

Mike! Chill! We're not afraid. I think Jon's afraid.

jON

You're afraid.

kIX

You're afraid.

jON

You are.

kIX

Whatever. Have a lovely evening.

jON

We will.

kIX

I know.

jON

Whatever.

Flashback continues through the bar.

gARY

Don't worry about them. They're a one trick pony. We got something. We got it. I saw.. it.

miKE

I love you man.

gARY

I've been drinking club soda Mikey, you're not getting in my pants.

Waitress 2 walks by.

waiTRESS 2

You can get in mine! 20 bucks.

gARY

Check please!

ext. brooK ALLEY - NIGHt

Starship Runner and Gary stand by the door.

dJ

Yeah, so we're gonna do good right?

kIX

Yeah, man. We'll be good. No worries. No bad thoughts.

gARY

Just waive your dinky doo in front of the ladies and we'll be fine!

dJ

Yeah, dinky doo. What if I fall?

cARL

You won't.

dJ

What if I play the wrong note?

miKE

Nobody's gonna notice.

dJ

What if...

gARY

Listen! What if I go shit my pants? What if my pecker falls off tomorrow? It doesn't matter what if, what matters is what is.

Starship Runner agrees but they are confused.

miKE

You shit your pants on purpose?

gARY

No dip fuck! What I'm saying is you guys are good. There's no what if about that!

Starship Runner agrees again, they still don't get it.

miKE

I don't understand.

gARY

You guys are going to be great! I'm going home. I have a headache now.

Gary walks to his van. He mumbles to himself. As he reaches his door he turns.

gARY

(shouting)

What I meant to say is you only have to worry about the things you can control!

Starship Runner agree emphatically, now they get it.

ext. plan b - mORNING

Starship Runner arrives at Plan B. The band stands in a half circle.

miKE

Where is he man? He fucked us!

kIX

No. He's here. He wouldn't fuck us.

dJ

I don't see the van.

miKE

I knew he was a fucking loon.

cARL

He's gotta be here.

dJ

I don't think so guys.

kiX

I'll go check inside.

Gary walks through the door at Plan B. He holds a pocket watch.

gARY

Very nice! Everyone's on time.

miKE

What the hell, man? Where were you?

gARY

I was inside watching you nancies piss your pants.

cARL

Where's the van?

gARY

Around back, you idiot! By the band entrance.

The men walk into the bar.

dJ

I knew you wouldn't leave us.

gARY

Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.

int. plan B - MOMENTS LATER

The guys find a booth.

cARL

So how many bands are playing this thing?

kIX

We were number 12 when I registered.

cARL

Holy shit.

gARY

It's up to 18. Show starts at noon. There's 5 rounds. Every band gets 15 minutes for the first 3 rounds. 30 minutes in the 4th round and 45 minutes in the last round.

miKE

I don't know man. This is heavy.

dj

The only thing that matters is what is.

DJ winks at Gary.

gARY

Do you know what I meant by that?

dJ

Not really.

DJ winks at Gary again.

gARY

Why are you winking at me?

dJ

Someone is pointing at you.

Gary turns around to see a stocky man waiving him up to the bar. This is VIC.

gARY

I'll be right back.

Gary walks up to the bar.

kIX

Dudes, we got this. No distractions. Just remember to rock the fuck outta this place.

cARL

Yeah, rock. How many people you think's gonna come?

miKE

This place can only hold about 200.

cARL

Oh, ok. I'm gonna get a drink.

kiX

Yeah, I should get some water.

Carl and Kix leave the table. Mike and DJ sit in the booth alone.

miKE

So, wanna see my penis?

DJ

Dude!

Mike laughs as Gary returns to the table.

gARY

Where are the other two?

dJ

They went to get something to drink.

gARY

Alright, Vic's getting ready to announce the line up.

dJ

What did you guys talk about?

gARY

None of your fucking business.

miKE

What do you mean, none of our business? It's very much our business!

gARY

Alright, fancypants. He asked me if I had any extra mic's in my van. I'm gonna go get the mic's, meet me at the bar.

Gary, DJ and Mike all get up from the booth.

int. plan b. at the bar

Kix and Carl turn around. They lean against the bar as DJ and Mike approach.

miKE

We're supposed to meet Gary here. Vic's gonna announce the line up.

kIX

Alright.

Gary comes back in with the microphones as the crowd thickens around the bar. Vic stands up on the bar.

vic

Oy! Oy! We've come up with the order. Totally random. All the bands here?

Silence.

vic

Alright. First up. Cola Overdose followed by Phoenix.

Members of the bands filter out as they hear their slot.

vic

Third, Flashback. Then uhh, Hook, Cracker Jack, Cowboy Junction, Starship Runner, Horseface...

int. plan b.

The sound of Vic announcing the bands drowns out as Starship Runner walks through the bar. Gary stays behind to get the rest of the order.

cARL

Was that 7, or 8?

kIX

We're up 7th after Cowboy Junction. It's a good slot.

miKE

What are we even playing for? What do we win?

kiX

First place is 5 grand.

miKE

5 grand? Holy shit!

kiX

Yeah man, Gary said there was other stuff too, but he didn't tell me what it was. Supposed to be a big surprise.

Gary walks up.

gARY

Alright, there's a lot at stake tonight. We're slot 7. Good slot. The bands are hanging out around the back of the bar. When Cowboy Junction goes on we head out the band door and gear up.

dJ

Alright.

kiX

Yeah.

cARL

What do we get besides $5,000?

gARY

Don't worry about it. You'll find out later. Just focus on the music. You know what songs you got? You need 3 for the first round.

kIX

Yeah, umm, we got it.

gARY

You don't have it do you?

kIX

We'll get it!

gARY

I don't think you got it! Tonight, is the biggest night of your life! Get it together! Now!

Starship Runner walk toward the bar.

int. plan b. at the bar.

Kix is equipped with pen and napkin.

kiX

Ok, what songs are we playing?

dj

I like to play "Rock n Roll Hoochie Coo".

kiX

Ok, that's a good one. What else? What about "Behind Blue Eyes"?

miKE

Too slow, we gotta be high energy tonight. What about "All Along The Watchtower"?

kix

Another good one. What about "Rock'N Me"

carL

Yeah, that fits.

kiX

Ok, we're gonna play Hoochie Coo, Watchtower, then Rock'n Me.

dJ

What if we have time left over?

kIX

Better to be too short than too long I guess. If we do have time, it'll be like a minute.

Rey Starkey with 5 beautiful women walk up to Kix.

rEY

Hey douche.

kIX

Rey-man! What's going on?

rEY

Not much man, you know how it goes. I can't stay long though.

Rey looks at the women.

rEY

I got a six-way planned.

The women giggle as they snuggle in closer to Rey.

kIX

Yeah man, hang out for a set.

rEY

Yeah, we'll be in a dark corner.

Rey and the women turn around to find a dark corner, Rey has two hands full of ass as the women giggle and snuggle up to Rey.

Gary approaches the bar.

gARY

Show starts in 10 minutes. If you gotta take a dump or masturbate, do it now.

Starship Runner all get up and leave Gary in the dust.

int. plan b.

The show starts!

series of shots (Song snippets)

A) COLA OVERDOSE plays "Stairway To Heaven"

B) Flashback plays "Paradise City"

C) CRACKERJACK plays "Freebird"

As Cowboy Junction takes the stage Starship Runner and Gary walk out of the bar through the band entrance.

ext. PLAN B - afternoon

The band unpacks their gear.

gARY

We don't need to set anything up. Just bring it inside, they have crew to set up.

kIX

Yeah, we noticed that. Right guys?

dJ

I didn't know that. I didn't know anything.

A man sticks his head out the door.

man

You're up in 5 Starship Runner!

They carry the gear just inside the door.

int. plan b.

The guys drop their gear as Cowboy Junction ends their set. The crew jumps on stage. They break down Cowboy Junction's gear.

gARY

Men, this set is the biggest set of your life. I am proud of the progress you've made. When I first met you, you were nothing but a bunch of pansy sissies who couldn't play a lick.

The crew assembles Starship Runner's gear on stage.

gARY

Now, you have the talent to win this competition. I did this. Without me, you'd be nothing. This is the moment you win the crowd over. You move on in this round, you'll find yourself in the finals. Men, do well. Rock on.

kIX

Well, winning this round doesn't guarantee the finals.

cARL

Wow Gary. That was almost, nice.

gARY

Fuck your mother.

A crewman points toward Starship Runner. The time is now!

gARY

You're up!

Starship Runner takes their place on stage.

gARY

And guys! The winner gets guaranteed spots at 25 bars across the Midwest!

kIX

What? Wait. What?

Kix walks across the stage. He squats down by Gary.

kIX

Why wait until now? Man, this is the biggest gig of our life and you drop that now?

gARY

Gives you extra incentive! Go play!

Kix takes his place in front of the middle microphone. Feedback erupts as Kix puts his lips on the mic. The crowd groans.

kIX

1, 2, 3, 4!

The band explodes into "Rock and Roll Hoochie Coo" by Rick Derringer while the judges take note.

int. plan b - LATER

Starship Runner finishes playing "Rock'N Me" By Steve Miller Band.

kIX

Thank you! We're Starship Runner and we'll see you later!

The audience goes nuts! The judges huddle. They seem impressed by what they just saw.

Starship Runner hops off stage. The crew breaks down their gear.

gARY

That was it! You won 'em over!

DJ

Now what?

gARY

Now we wait!

series of shots

A) The band sits attentively at the bar.

B) The band sits at the bar, getting into the music.

C) The band, still at the bar, slumped over.

D) The band, at the bar, falling asleep.

Vic steps up to the mic.

VIC

Oy! The judges have made their decision. The bands making it to the next round are...Flashback, Cowboy Junction, The Goyters, Vietnam Rising, Cola Overdose, Timmy and the Anvils, 3 Men and a Drummer, The Peace Corps, Starship Runner.

Starship Runner jumps off their barstools in celebration.

vIC

Sweet Sausage, and Hook. Next round starts in 10 minutes with Flashback.

int. plan b - later

The end of the fourth round.

miKE

I can't believe we made it this far!

gARY

We're not there yet. The judges have to make the decision. What's taking so long?

kIX

I'll be right back.

Kix wanders over to where the judges are set up.

cARL (O.S.)

What is he doing?

Kix pretends to trip on a chair next to the judges. Zac Hanson gets out of his seat, walks over to Kix. He argues with Kix.

dJ (O.S.)

Oh, no.

Kix waives at the judges. He heads to the bathroom.

miKE

What the hell is he doing? I'll be right back.

Mike runs to the bathroom.

gARY

Isn't that typical. Mike running after a guy into the bathroom.

int. plan b bathroom.

Mike makes it to the bathroom. Kix is in a stall.

miKE

Kix, you in here? Kix!

kiX

Yeah?

miKE

What the hell are you doing?

kiX

Taking a dump. The wings are going right through me.

miKE

Oh, I meant with the judges.

kIX

I was trying to get an idea of what they were talking about.

miKE

What was with Hanson?

kiX

That little kid is a dick.

Kix farts and groans.

kiX

I'm gonna be a minute.

miKE

Yeah alright. See you at the bar.

int. plan b. AT THE BAr.

Mike walks up to the rest of the group.

miKE

He's gonna be a minute.

gARY

Yeah, well while you pixies were in the bathroom the judges handed the results to Vic.

Vic stands in front of a mic on stage.

vIC

I got the uhh results here. The final 2 bands are Flashback and Starship Runner?

Vic looks off stage for confirmation.

vIC

Yes, yes, those are the two bands. Flashback and Starship Runner. We'll begin the finals at midnight.

Kix runs out of the bathroom with his pants half up, toilet paper everywhere.

kIX

Yes! Yes! We did it!

The audience laughs at Kix when he realizes that his pants are half up. Kix runs back to the bathroom to finish his business.

gARY

Next lesson. How to deal with fame.

Mike, DJ, and Carl all agree with Gary.

gARY

We got 30 minutes. You know what songs you want to play? You gotta fill up 45 minutes.

cARL

Yeah, we got it figured out.

Kix walks up to the group.

kIX

This is awesome. We can take the whole thing!

gARY

Yeah yeah, Mr. Shitty Pants. Next time you want to show extreme emotion, make sure you wipe your ass first. What are some of the songs you're gonna play?

miKE

We're gonna play "Good Times Bad Times".

dJ

"Another Brick In The Wall" and "I Drink Alone".

cARL

"The Boys Are Back In Town"

kIX

"LA Woman"

miKE

Oh yeah, "LA Woman" and "Fire".

kIX

"Breaking The Law".

dJ

"Cats and the Cradle".

gARY

What?

dJ

Wanted to make sure you were paying attention.

gARY

Yeah, I am. Douchebag.

int. plan b - lATER

Flashback plays "What's Your Name?" By Lynyrd Skynyrd. The crowd is very much into the music.

dJ

Geez, we can't do this.

kIX

We got this far. We can do this. These guys are about to finish up. Let's get ready.

The foursome turn around in their bar stools to face the bar.

miKE

Are you guys ready?

dJ

Yeah.

kiX

Yup.

cARL

Yeah.

miKE

Me too.

Starship Runner turns around then stands up to stretch. Kix cracks his neck.

kIX

Now we're ready.

The time shows 12:45 am, Flashback finishes out their set with a perfectly timed chord strike. Vic jumps on stage.

vIC

All right! Flashback everybody! Starship Runner up in 10 minutes. Thanks for sticking around everybody, half price drinks for the next 45 minutes. Last call at 1:15.

Starship Runner takes the stage after the stagehands set up the equipment. The clock hits 12:55.

The microphones go hot as Kix burps. The sound travels across the bar, patrons then give cheers in appreciation.

kIX

Hello everyone. I'm a little drunk right now, but we're gonna knock your fucking socks off. Let's start with a newer song eh fellas?

Kix turns around to face the band then sings "Dead and Bloated" by Stone Temple Pilots.

kIX

I am smellin' like a rose that somebody gave me on my birthday death bed!

The crowd lights up then joins in.

thE ENTIRE BAR

I am smellin' like a rose that somebody gave me 'cause I'm dead and bloated!

Starship Runner explodes into the song as a few bottles on display behind the bar burst.

Gary sits at the bar. He turns around to look at the booze drip from the broken bottles then swings his head around toward the stage wide eyed. He whistles emphatically.

series of shots: starship runner's set

A) The band plays "Fire" by Jimi Hendrix. DJ wiggles

his hips at a group of women in the crowd. One lady

faints. Falling backwards as her friends catch her.

B) The band now plays "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The

Who. Kix whips the microphone around by the cord and

catches it in his hand then starts singing the song

again.

Starship Runner plays the last song of their set at 1:25 am. The song is "Hey Jude" by the Beatles. The hook of the song can be heard outside the bar as the patrons sing along with the band.

the entire bar

Na, na na, nana na na, nana na na, Hey Jude! Na, na na, nana na na, nana na na, Hey Jude!

MONTAGE OF patrons singing

Women singing "Hey Jude"

The bartender singing "Hey Jude"

Flashback singing "Hey Jude"

Gary singing "Hey Jude"

Judges singing "Hey Jude"

END MONTAGE

Starship Runner ends the song as Kix gives one final scream then the house lights come on. Vic jumps on stage.

vIC

Starship Runner! Starship Runner!